One question for Mike Ashley!

Writing articles for anything, be it a website, the local paper or just the Church Newsletter does not come easy for me.

I’m not particularly spontaneous so I have to grind these things out – usually with more rewrites than the American pre-season tour teamsheet. It’s amazing how many one liners end up binned because they just don’t fit the tone of the article, or more often than not they are just considered too offensive for a website that doesn’t include “Animal Sex” or “Cream Pie” as a pre-selectable search option. You also have to make sure that you find something that is of interest to the majority of the readers, not just the odd insomniac or the guy who talks to the pigeons at the Haymarket.

The “Carroll” money was an easy one. Not since Keegan left (for the second or third time) has there been something that has united the fans so much by dividing them.

How do you follow that up?

What is it that is guaranteed to get the fans going more than anything else?

So here it is.

You get to spend five minutes sitting down face to face with Ashley. What would you ask him?

Please note, I’m saying “what would you ask him?”, not “what would you hit him with?”

I suppose from his side there would be some kind of a requirement to ensure that some of you either had your hands tied behind your back or were actually chained to a wall or something, wore a muzzle perhaps, or were even separated from him by bullet-proof glass.

Understandable.

Then Ashley’s pet Gorilla – the one you always see sitting behind him at the match with the curly lead sticking out of his head – would probably prefer that you didn’t use phrases such as “you cockney tw*t”, or “prepare to die, you fat f*ck”, but I’m sure that’s something we could cope with.

So what would you ask?

His favourite colour? Which CDs he has in his helicopter perhaps? Why he gave up the glamour of life as a professional squash coach to become a billionaire? Or how about “what on earth made him think that he was in any way qualified to run a football club?”

There are a thousand and one possibilities. OK a thousand and two if you include what it feels like to have paid Alan Smith in the region of 8-10 million quid in wages over the last four years for being the oldest ball-boy in the Premiership.

Now it’s your turn.

Note from Toonsy - Well Done Archie Brand. I can see there being many ideas, some serious, some not so, about what people would really like to ask Mike Ashley. It's just a shame the chubby turd won't get asked any of them!